i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
