Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me