how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
People With No Siblings Will Never Understand These 23 Things
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
25 Seemingly Normal Things That Give Some People Massive Anxiety
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.