I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
