Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
