also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
Randomize
