that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
