I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Randomize
