my being single is dangerous.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
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