she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
