Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
Randomize
