i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
