I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Randomize
