I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize
