Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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