im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
