Buhtt sex?
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Randomize
