3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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