Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Randomize
