i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
Randomize
