just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
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