you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Randomize
