Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
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