Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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