True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
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