He asked to "fluff my boner.."
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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