i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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