I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Eww. Jon Gosselin got both his ears pierced.
He looks like a bad one night stand.
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
