i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
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dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
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