I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Randomize
