apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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