Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Randomize
