I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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