Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
