Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
