i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
