I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
you inspire me to be a worse person
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
I licked your asshole in confidence.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Randomize
