why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Is it morally objectionable to repay my debt to society with drug money?
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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