Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
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