I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
