shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
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