i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Randomize
