The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
