I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize
