respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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