If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
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