Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Randomize
