4 words: hood of his car
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
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You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
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Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook