Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
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