I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize
