I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Randomize
