tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Randomize
