I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Randomize
