so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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