Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
Randomize
