My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Randomize
