and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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