How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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