i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Randomize
