So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
Farmville is her only friend.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Randomize
