I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
