dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
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