Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
Randomize
