Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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