There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Randomize
