you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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